Joe Mangle is not Sky's real dad. Where the hell is that from? It's never been mentioned before!!!

If anyone can enlighten me it would be much appreciated!!!

Who's Who and What's What?

This is your essential guide to who's who and what's what in Neighbours. This is perfect for all those who have never seen Neighbours or who are coming back to watching it after a long stint of missing episodes (trust me, even if you haven't seen it for ten years I doubt the story-lines will have moved along far...)

Erinsborough- the town where it all happens

Ramsey Street- The street around which everything revolves... and on which everyone lives... except Dr. Karl... ('how can they all live on one street?' you cry! Well even though there are only about five houses on the street there is barely a homeowner who doesn't have at least one lodger... although the term lodger implies that rent is being paid when really all the cheap, lazy idiots who live in other people's houses take-over and barely give a word of thanks, let alone rent!)

The General Store- Random shop/cafe owned by Lou and Harold (Ramsey Street's very own gay couple in denial....) This is where everyone shops becuase Erinsborough apparently has no supermarket (except for the couple of episodes where Susan met some priest dude in a supermarket whom she then fell in love with.)

Scarlett Bar- Restaurant/bar owned by Max and Izzy Hoyland... although now Max is trying to buy out his sister's share... but she seems to have sold it to some random dude in a club... but claims she has no recollection of it...

Erinsborough High- The school. It has only one classroom and one corridor and it is very liberal and relaxed because random people from the street are allowed to wander in, and walk their girlfriends to class, or take the teachers away for picnincs... no worries about the whole children's safety/peadophiles issue there!

Lassiters- The hotel. The whole complex on which the hotel, General Store and Scarlett Bar are built is also called Lassiters and it is all owned by Paul Robinson (evil scumbag/peg-leg/Satan)

Harold Bishop- a vegetarian old dude, with eight chins, who loves Lou and who has been in Neighbours FOREVER except for when he disappeared for a bit. He fell into the sea and came back years later with amnesia. He is one of the guys who has had a lot of "lodgers." He also kissed someone who looked like his dead daughter... although I think technically she kissed him... ugh that was a cringe-worthy moment.

David Bishop- Harold's son, who looks a bit like a chipmunk. He's on the council... they don't do anything, except try to stop Peg-Leg's evil schemes.

Liljana Bishop- David's wife. She's Serbian or something, not that it ever matters to the story-line, she just makes goulash a lot... She had an affair with Peg-Leg but now she's back with David. Isn't the world just lovely?

Serena Bishop- David and Lil's daughter. She's eighteen-ish but looks about twelve. She resembles a gerbil with hair similar to the unpopular school lunch- turkey twizzlers. She is going out with Connor the Irish Dude and has moved in with him, despite having been with him for like three days.

Lou Carpenter- Another old dude- Harold's secret love. They've been friends forever and they share body parts... Harold gave Lou a kidney or something... and they often give each other loving glances or act as a old married couple, giving away their secret love. Lou is currently living with some twenty going on thirty year olds in the House of Trouser... which has turned him into a fourteen year old... who is so annoying that I want TO KILL HIM!

Connor O'Neill- Irish dude. He's going out with Serena-the-Gerbil and lives in the House of Trouser, which is basically a house full of guys. He used to work as a bartender... but then worked at Toadie's bikini shop.... and apprently that's a good enough living for him to support himself and presumably his child (who lives far far away with an ex-Ramsey Streeter called Lori... the child is called Maddi... I think... she had crazy hair...)

Jarod 'Toadfish' Rebecci- Yeah... he's called Toadfish... from a long line of fishes... he is a lawyer (we think... but he's only ever practicing law when someone from Erinsborough needs defending or they need to check up on the law in order to stop evil Peg-Leg in his tracks.) However he is also a wrestler... and owns the bikini shop. He also lives in the House of Trouser.

Stuart Parker- Another resident of the House of Trouser. Ah, poor Stuie's had it tough. He began preaching Life Mechnanics to people, but it all turned out to be a scam, he found his calling and joined the police force but then got trapped in a collapsed/on fire building, which left him blind, he came through all this and had an operation and could see again and then married his girlfriend (Sindi) who turned out to be a crazy psychopath and was put in a mental institution and wants an anullment from him! Completely devestated he goes a bit suicidal and plays the hero by running in to save kids from a building full of gas... he survives... but now he has to take a break from the police force. Ah poor Stu. His annoying and dim brother is also around, but he's too new to deserve more than a mention.

Paul Robinson- evil rich guy who everyone hates. He had an affair with Lil (ugh I have memories of those scenes... I will be mentally scarred forever...) and she was the only person who liked him... but now she hates him too. He's now with Izzy and his daughter Elle/Lucinda has just appeared.

Max Hoyland- Middle-aged guy who doesn't seem to do much. He part owns the Scarlett Bar and his wife is pregnant... that's about it... oh except for the fact that he seems to have had a personality transplant. Originally he was really uptight and strict but after a couple of anger management classes he was transformed into a very liberal, easy-going kinda guy... ah how easy life is in Erinsborough.

Stephanie Hoyland (nee Scully)- Married to Max. She used to go out with bikers and criminals... and then settled for a middle-aged dad-of-two (his first wife died). She had cancer... and then got better. She and Max tried to conceive but to no avail so they tried to adopt a baby... that didn't work out... but it's all ok because Steph is now pregnant.

Boyd Hoyland- Max's son. He's an odd guy... he used to be kinda cool... and then he dropped out of school and started body building and took steroids which gave him schizophrenia... but somehow he got over that and is now normal... and he went away to some summer camp thing which made him realise that he wants to be a doctor... now the only story-line he is involved in is teaching Dylan aikido.

Summer Hoyland- Daughter of Max. She was annoying... and was supposed to be thirteen or something but looked about nine. She started to play the piano and then like three days later was suddenly good enough to go away to this music school... so I think she may be gone for good *cheers and dances around*

Isabelle Hoyland- EVIL COW! She's horrible. She's Max's sister and everyone hates her because she is a spoilt, manipulative witch who should DIE! She has been involved in some very irritating story-lines. Right now she's going out with Peg-leg... ugh...

Lyn Scully- Steph's mother. She is a hairdresser and yet has the worst hair of the entire cast! She has some more children... most of them were annoying and they've all left now anyway. Except for Oscar, her toddler... he's the best one in the whole of Neighbours. Her husband, Joe, disappeared off to a farm and then four weeks later she was like "oh I don't love him anymore... I'm gonna divorce him" (what really happened was the actor went to prison). She's now going out with another guy called Joe (who is pretty much exactly the same as the first one.) Lyn has a really really annoying squeaky voice!

Oscar Scully- THE BEST ONE! He's rarely in it, but when he is the scenes are just awesome.

Joe Mangel-He is going out with Lyn. He used to be married to Harold Bishop's daughter (who died.) The main story-line with him at the moment is something to do with a greyhound... but more importantly he's the most Australian guy EVER.

Sky Mangel- Joe and dead-Bishop-woman's (Kerry?) daughter. Her hair extensions change colour EVERY SCENE! HOW?! She is going out with Dylan and the only plot-line there is that he wants to fight some dude and she's against it... and now she's given in... I dunno there may be other story-lines involving her but I don't know what. Both Sky and Joe are living at the Bishops' house (which appears to be a bungalow... yet has enough room for six people...)

Karl Kennedy- the doctor. The only one. He single-handedly mans the doctors surgery and the hospital. Sometimes the hospital has a psychiatrist in it... and some nurses... but Karl is pretty much usually the only one there. He was married to Susan for ages and then had some mid-life (more like end-of-life) crisis and divorced her and shacked up with Izzy. She was pregnant with another man's child and he thought it was his and didn't find out for AGES. God that was dull... Now they're over and he's... well he's not doing much to be honest.

Susan Smith- Karl's ex. She is a teacher and is currenlty "acting-principal" cos the proper one is away.... but has been for months and months and months! The best Susan story-line in the WORLD is that she slipped on some spilt milk which knocked her out. She came round and then thought she was 16! She had no idea who Karl was and thought he was some stalker and ran away from him and then spent ages getting her memory back. Ah they were good times. Now she's going out with some dude who's got cancer and is going to die soon or something. He's called Alex Kinsky... and has children called Zeke and Rachel... they exist... that's all you need to know.

Janelle Timmins- Dim, common, annoying woman. All you need to know.

Dylan Timmins- Son of the above. Going out with Sky... likes to beat people up.

Scott/Stingray Timmins- Also son of Janelle. Better than the entire Timmins family put together. He went out with Gerbil-Face for a bit... better off without her Scottie.

Janae Timmins- Daughter of Janelle... she's a bit of a tart... when I say "a bit of a tart" I mean "a COMPLETE tart." She's run away or something. No-one really cares. Well, I don't.

Bree Timmins- Another daughter of Janelle. She's supposedly the clever one but our only evidence of this is that she won a spelling bee... She's pretty boring... by the way I HATE THE WHOLE TIMMINS FAMILY! (With the exception of Stingray... it was much better when it was just him living with... and scrounging off... Susan, but now the whole damn lot of them have appeared.)


Well that's all I think. If I have missed anyone out (because they're all horrible that it is quite possible to overlook them) then let me know!

Dirty Linen

Search for "dirty linen" in the thesaurus on dictionary.com and some of the words which will come up are "character assassination," "cheap shot," "low-down," "defamation" and "gossip." Is that what this blog is about?

Yes!

Search for "neighbours" on the same site and what comes up? Well nothing... as it is an American site... but alter the spelling and which words does it conjure up? "Next-door," "friend," "companion," "helping-hand." Is that what this blog is about?

No!

For those of you who don't know (and if that applies to anybody reading this then please GET A LIFE OR AT LEAST A TELEVISION!!!) Neighbours is a popular (yes... popular...) Australian soap which can be seen in the UK on BBC 1 at five thirty. There is also an earlier showing at lunch for anyone who's interested. And should you be interested? Of course you should! Neighbours, although it scrapes the bottom of the acting barrel... and the writing barrel... and the set design barrel... and the costume barrel... and the hair and make-up barrel... is really a brilliant program. This is mostly because it is fun to laugh at its ridiculousness and at all the annoying people in it.

So this blog will keep you up to date with "interesting" goings-on in Neighbours, recap on the most hilarious events of the week for anyone who missed it, and also generally laugh at all the cast and plot-lines.... in fact maybe that should be "plot-lines."

Till next time little ones!

Warning: Watching of Neighbours may lead to addiction